Talking to children about war and other disasters

All over the world, the family is the place where children are protected and cared for. As well as looking after their physical well-being, its primary task is to lovingly nurture their mental and emotional health. Every child relies on this caring social embeddedness for their development.
    In our world, where all values are being turned upside down before our very eyes, this is no easy task. For many years, we have been able to live in peace in our region, protected by the international legal system and the UN Charter, which was established in the wake of the devastation of the Second World War. Today, political upheavals bring with them unforeseeable dangers; armed conflicts are the order of the day, and images of these wars are broadcast around the world. Parents, but also schools, face major challenges.
    How can we successfully engage into conversation with children amidst the daily horror stories and impart to them a sense of confidence and, above all, trust in their fellow human beings? For fear and hatred are a poor emotional foundation for the future, for which the will and readiness to reach peaceful conciliation will be more necessary than ever.
    It is therefore good to pick up a book once again that can provide objective and nuanced answers to these pressing questions: “How to talk to children about war and other disasters.” A guide for parents, teachers and educators. It was written at the start of the war in Ukraine and is, sadly, as relevant today as it was when it was first published.
    The authors of this highly readable book are Dr Eliane Perret and Dr Rüdiger Maas, both well-known for their publications on educational and psychological issues. As a psychologist and special needs teacher, Eliane Perret has a wealth of knowledge and experience in both theory and practice; Rüdiger Maas, a psychologist, heads the Augsburg Institute for Generational Research.

Three key areas

The book can be divided into three parts: The first part (Chapters 1/2) focuses on reliable information that enables us, as parents, to perceive situations impartially. The authors urge you to exercise caution when assessing conflicts, so as not to foster prejudice against other populations in yourself and your children. To this end, the book provides clarification, including by identifying the propaganda tools commonly used today to shape public opinion in times of war (Foreword). When it comes to dealing with news of the war, they recommend planning enjoyable time together as a family and taking a break from the media from time to time.
    The main section (Chapters 3/4) focuses on age-appropriate conversations between parents and their children. This section outlines the characteristics of the child’s developmental stages. The specific challenges posed by such a sensitive topic as war are illustrated through real-life conversation examples. The final, equally valuable section (Chapters 5/6) documents projects being tried and tested in practice for schools or day-care centres which, in addition to helping children engage the various topics, also provide them with practical ways to make an active contribution. Engaging such topics together with our children requires preparation, sensitivity and time to convey to them: we are part of the human family; we want to help ensure that we can live together in peace.
    When it comes to such topics, we as parents and educators are called upon to be genuine partners; we play a vital role and should make time for conversations. The authors emphasise this time and again. Supporting families and schools in this task is a major concern for them. They address us in short, easy-to-understand chapters and offer valuable advice: A calm, matter-of-fact approach from parents, without adding to the dramatics, forms the basis for any conversation with their children. And such conversations are the foundation of confidence.

What does my child want to know?

Parents often underestimate just how much of the news from the media their children pick up on. Today, for example, social media accounts are used intensively as propaganda tools. We adults must therefore be attentive and alert, open to our children’s questions. It is clear that each age group of children and young people need different answers – but what exactly?
    In the practical section of the book, we find examples that illustrate such questions and answers. One example is a conversation with a primary school child. The child wants to know from their parents why there is war and who is to blame. At this age, a child is already asking more complex moral questions about war; they wonder why one country attacks another, who is at fault, and what happens afterwards. As parents, we can point out the complexity of the situation and reply that there is usually not just one party to blame. And that international courts address these issues, even if this is not always possible. There are also neutral countries that do not take sides in a war and offer to act as mediator.
    Going into the details of agreements between countries would be too much for a primary school child to handle. International treaties are not easy for us adults to understand either. However, children should learn that rules exist even in war. We tell them that many people are looking for ways to resolve the conflict, to help people, to end the war and to prevent war in the future. It is important for every child to know that many adults are thinking about these things.
    And how do I talk to pre-school children? How to teenagers? Here, too, we find examples of conversations, accompanied by important guidance for each age group. The aim of such conversations must always be to give children and young people hope and a sense of purpose.

A range of projects

Chapter 5 in the third part contains fundamental considerations for schools or day-care centres. It summarises what is needed outside the family to help children and young people see other people as fellow human beings – even if there are no ready-made answers. “The most important thing in times of crisis is that adults – parents first and foremost, but also teachers – provide children with guidance and security. This includes reliable daily routines as well as time for conversation.” (p. 46) Some of these ideas are highlighted here: “We condemn the war, not the people.” This helps children understand that in a war, everyone suffers, not just one war party. The authors also discuss how important it is to understand the experiences of the children in front of them, as every class includes children from crisis-hit areas. It is essential, particularly for them, to keep the conversation at a general level and to treat everyone with respect. It is the experience of peace education that learning about global efforts to contribute to greater peace is encouraging. One example is the work of the International Committee of the Red Cross.
    The practical section (Chapter 6) presents various age-appropriate projects for schools, all of which strengthen the sense of togetherness amongst us as human beings. Working together with children and young people gives rise to discussions and opportunities to make a contribution to others. The project reports reveal how much confidence is built in children and young people when they themselves become active as helpers. They grow through this, drawing courage even in times of crisis. A whole range of projects is presented in this section, and it would be particularly important today to address the themes of mutual aid in every school and every day-care centre, in order to give our children a human perspective in times of war. •